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  “I’m sorry?”

  “I don’t have any magic spell that will change your life. There is only one person on this planet that can change you, and that is you. I can give guidance, a different perspective maybe but the change comes from you. You are the only one in charge of your destiny.”

  “I guess I never really thought about it before. I always imagined I would lie on a couch and tell you something about me then you tell me what the deal was and I would walk out different somehow. Looking at it now it’s probably not very realistic of me.”

  “Oh, don’t misunderstand me. I have certainly had breakthroughs with some of the people I have seen before and they can be quite life changing but they don’t happen often, and it can take years before we reach them. I’m always amazed at how some people can readily agree that changing a bad habit, say eating or drinking, can be a lifelong endeavor, but therapy should only take three sessions. Some patients understand that, some don’t. Those that don’t, I can’t help very much.”

  “So I’m a patient?”

  “Well, until we get to know each other better. I like to think Erica is someone that I can consider a friend. It’s hard to be in my line of work and not look at people differently after a few sessions. I can’t comfortably use the word client; it sounds sterile and makes the people I work for sound like a commodity to be consumed. If you can think of a word that fits somewhere between patient and friend, I would happily use it.”

  Edges roll in blues and greens. Sprites of gold flash in time with his words.

  “Well, we only have an hour so let’s get right to brass tacks. My name is William Songbird. I have been a therapist for just a little over thirty-five years. I have seen pretty much anything and everything the human psyche has to throw out at someone so don’t hold back. I don’t think you can say anything that would surprise me.”

  I smile to myself as I think about that, he hasn’t seen anything like me before, and he certainly hasn’t ever been able to fix anyone like me.

  “Is there something wrong Adam?” He is slightly tilting his head and his eyebrows are furrowed as if trying to read me.

  I looked around trying to avoid his eyes for some reason, “No, not at all. Please continue.”

  He made several notes on a small tablet of paper, “Erica has been coming by to see me for some time now and I felt it was probably a good time to start including you. She has many concerns about you and your well-being, especially concerns about possible depression and how that seems to be getting worse as the days go by. She says that you may be extremely happy one day but very depressed the next. I try to shy away from suggesting medication very early on but it may be something we want to keep as an option if you think you need it.”

  I looked at her slightly surprised. I knew she was aware of these things but for some reason hearing it from someone else came as a shock. It shouldn’t have. I can be an extremely difficult person to talk to sometimes, but medicate me? I look over at Erica and she is blushing slightly.

  Sprites of red flash briefly at the core. She is angry.

  “I kind of thought we had spoken in confidence about him, William?”

  Her darkness flashes with small sprites of red as she her eyes locked on his.

  “Many of the things we spoke of yes. But if you expected to just sit and watch Adam open up without any input, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work that way. In order for Adam to build any trust in this, he needs to understand that this is an open environment. I don’t manipulate people and this certainly isn’t going to be a meeting where you and I gang up on Adam,” he looked at her the same way he had watched me. “Relationships are a two way street regardless of where the fault may be. Does that sound fair to you? Do you want to continue?”

  “I apologize to both of you. I don’t know what I was expecting I guess, I wasn’t really thinking it through.”

  “No harm done. I guess I should have made it more clear before we began. Instead of me telling Adam what we have been discussing, you tell him. Let’s try and open this up with a little trust.”

  She nodded to William then turned to face me on the couch, “You just don’t seem happy anymore and it is getting increasingly difficult to talk to you. I worry about you Adam. There are days I worry that you will do something rash, that you will do something that you will regret. Like trying to stop that car thief in the parking lot, it was almost like you were hoping that something like that would happen.”

  I look at my feet. I can’t meet her eyes. I know it hurts her to be with me and that she would be happier elsewhere. Hell, I think just about anywhere would be better than with me.

  “Adam, I want to encourage you to speak freely. I am all about communication. Real communication, not stories, not telling people what I think they want to hear and certainly not wasting their time with a bunch of worthless information.”

  The blues and greens remain with hints of gold at the center. He is sincere on a level that even he probably isn’t aware of.

  “I have never been good at talking about myself. It just isn’t something that comes natural to me.”

  “Well then it’s a good thing that I’m not asking you to talk about yourself, I’m asking that you talk of yourself.”

  “Uh, what? I don’t follow you.”

  “Are you happy?”

  “No.”

  I can see the flashes in Erica’s Darkness out of the corner of my eye.

  “Are you unhappy?”

  “Wouldn’t the fact that I’m not happy mean that I was in fact unhappy?”

  “Not at all. The median strip on the highway isn’t on the road but it certainly isn’t off of it either. I would argue that being somewhere between happy and unhappy is a place that exists and from what I can see you are firmly in between. You are on the median strip of the freeway. If you aren’t happy than I would propose that isn’t where you want to be, correct?”

  I stare intently at his eyes. He knows more about me than he is letting on. It isn’t things that Erica could have told him. He is reading me. I continue to stare and then try to reach out. I push my Darkness outwards and attempt to reach his. He smiles at me and I feel something push back. It is somewhere between mental and physical and it isn’t unkind, simply a polite push back. Almost as if a friend were to calmly push you back as if you had stood too close. He has somehow built a barrier between us. I am walking the Darkness around him attempting to feel out this barrier when he clears his throat.

  “Adam, are you still with us? You seemed a little distant there, preoccupied if you will, thinking about something else maybe?” William says as he stares at me intently.

  He has pushed me back? How has he done this? Who is this man? What does he really know?

  His Darkness has not changed. His face has not changed, he still stares at me with those piercing green eyes.

  Blues and silvers continued their dance around the ripples of Darkness. His Darkness is simply dancing with color now. Is he excited?

  “I’m sorry Bill, I was lost in thought for a moment there,” I can see that he knows I’m telling a lie. What can this man see? Is he like me? I feel a small flash of hope that I am not alone.

  “Not a problem, Adam. It happens to the best of us.” He spends several minutes writing notes on the small pad of paper. Several times he looks up toward the ceiling as if he is trying to find the correct word. He finishes his notes and closes the pad, “Erica, if you don’t mind I would like to meet with Adam in a one-on-one session. Are you OK with that?”

  “Of course,” she smiles at both of us.

  “Ok,” he opened his calendar on the small laptop, “Adam, are you able to make it tomorrow sometime around noon?”

  His Darkness is entrancing. The shadow dances about in some unheard rhythm.

  “Noon should be fine. I don’t think we have anything planned that I’m aware of,” I look at Erica and she shakes her head as if to say we have nothing going on.

  “Fantastic. Erica, I will s
ee you and Adam next week at the same time and Adam, you and I tomorrow.”

  I look at him with an edge of suspicion, “I am looking forward to it, I think we have quite a few things to go over.”

  ~5~

  We walked out to the truck in silence. I could see her Darkness sparking and rolling as she moved through the various emotions. As usual, it was nearly impossible for me to tell what was actually going on.

  We had driven several blocks before I decide to try and break the wall between us, “How do you think that went?”

  “Horrible.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it sure as hell wasn’t that. I guess I thought he would say some magic word and everything would be OK.”

  “I really like the man if that means anything too you. I’m actually looking forward to meeting with him tomorrow.” We drove another block and passed my favorite Mexican restaurant, “It’s a little early but I could really go for some steak fajitas and a Mexican beer, you up for some Oros con Pollo? Maybe a margarita or three?”

  “That actually sounds really good about now.”

  The rear parking lot was nearly empty and I parked up near the door. Our favorite table with a view of Front Street was open and we casually ate the complimentary chips. I caught site of Jorge’s Darkness as he walked out of the kitchen towards our table.

  “How are you folks doing, shall I put in for the usual?”

  “Yes please, Jorge.”

  “I’ll take water instead of the margarita thank you, Jorge.”

  Strange flashes of dark-green and blue

  “Water?”

  “Yeah, I’m kind of tired and I think a drink will just make it worse.”

  A few red sprites flash in the black-mercury

  It’s a lie but I let it go, “Are you mad that William and I got along?”

  “Not at all, I’m quite happy that you two hit it off. I’m angry with myself for having the expectations that I did. It wasn’t realistic and I’m still sorting through it. I think I might need to see a therapist to get things straight with my therapist,” she smiles at me when she says it but it seems hollow.

  Silence descends on the table as we watch the late afternoon traffic pass outside the window.

  Jorge arrives with the drinks, “One beer for Mr. Carter, and one margarita for Mrs. Carter.” He leans in close and whispers, “It is virgin and on the house.”

  Erica smiles warmly at the man and he walks back to the kitchen.

  I hold up my beer, “Cheers.”

  “What are we toasting?”

  “Here’s to many, helpful sessions.”

  “Cheers.”

  Chapter Four

  Little Fish in an Evil Sea

  I pull into the same parking lot as I did the day before but today there are only two cars in the lot. One is an older model Ford similar to mine and the other is a newer model Mercedes with deeply tinted windows. I park near the building and step out into the warm air of the quiet parking lot. William is leaning against the building smoking a pipe while he talks on his cell phone.

  He waves to me as I cross over several beauty barked parking lot islands and make my way over to him.

  With the call complete he tucks his phone into his pocket and extends a large hand out to me, “Good afternoon Adam, I’m glad you were able to make it. Are you up for taking a small walk with me, it shouldn’t be too rough. Just a few stairs and a short dirt trail.” His smile is warm and friendly.

  “Sure. I could use the fresh air. Where did you have in mind?”

  “Not too far away, there is actually a wonderful little trail behind the building here that goes down by a creak. It has a nice stone table where we can sit and chat. I enjoy coming here as often as time will allow, you wouldn’t ever think a place like this exists in the middle of an urban area. I think of this as my own little private oasis in the concrete jungle.”

  His Darkness is similar to the previous day. He is calm and still exhibits that uncanny control over it, it is so calm it is almost enchanting.

  Silver ripples around the edges. The sprites of gold and blue flicker through the black mercury. Ripples form and are calmed almost as quickly.

  He taps out his pip in the ashtray by the door and tucks it into his front shirt pocket.

  “Follow me, Adam.”

  He leads me down and around the side of the building on a narrow dirt path. We are silent as I walk painfully behind him down the twisting trail. In several places the branches and brush are so thick that we must crouch down to pass through. The path narrows and passes through what at first looks like an impenetrable wall of blackberry bushes nearly ten feet high. We finally come to a small clearing that overlooks a creak. In the middle of the open space there is a small, circular table made out of what looks like granite surrounded by four stone stools.

  William points to one of the seats and I sit down favoring my painful ribs as I do so. He takes one of the seats opposite of mine and joins me at the table.

  “I want to thank you for seeing me today, Adam. I’m sorry to see you are still in some pain from your incident. Has your healing been progressing OK? Do you think there will be any long term complications?”

  “I don’t think so. This is my first day of not taking pain meds so I’m feeling it a little more than I have in the past. It isn’t anything to worry about, I can finally lift my arms above my head so I can get my own cereal in the morning now,” I smile back at him.

  “Sorry to hear you are feeling pain but happy to hear you are on the mend.” William is silent for several moments then stares at me with a quizzical look then speaks slowly as he carefully chooses his words, “I have a few questions before I can figure out how I may be of any help to you.”

  I do not feel I completely understand what he is getting at. I feel as if we are dancing around the obvious and neither one of us is willing to take the first step, “Ok,” I said a little nervously.

  “First and foremost, you know Erica loves you with all her heart, right?”

  I don’t answer as he gazes at me. For the first time I notice he is not looking at me, he is looking in me. While I am watching him read me I realize I have created an uncomfortable silence while he waits, but I can see he already has the answer. He knows what I am going to say to some extent. I don’t think he can see the Darkness, but if not, what the hell is it that he does see?

  I realize I have grown tired of the game, “What is it exactly that you are looking at?” I finally ask out loud.

  “Pardon me?” he says with a surprised look.

  So I can catch him off guard. He doesn’t see what I see then.

  “The way you look at me. What you did yesterday. What do you see? You aren’t being completely honest about everything and I need to know why before we can go another step forward. You say that we can be nothing but honest with each other so I would assume we should just get this out of the way and, how can I put this, show our cards.”

  “Well, if we are going to start being honest then.” He smiled and continued, “It isn’t anything I see. I can feel it though. I haven’t actually run into anyone that can do what you did yesterday. As a matter of fact I don’t know what it was you did but it intrigued me, maybe even frightened me a little. You can sense the energy of life the same as I can but you appear to take it a step further. What is it you did? It took every ounce of energy I had to keep you out. I could feel you all around me, completely enveloping me. Your presence felt like it was going to crush the life right out of me.”

  I had felt just a mild push back, more subtle than anything. “So you can’t see anything different? You just sense things but you don’t actually see it?” I paused for a second. For me what I was about to say was a huge risk, “Do you see the Darkness? Can you see this life energy as you like to call it?”

  Blues and silvers swirl. A flash of golden lining appears at the edge of the black mercury and ripples toward the center. This is new. />
  “Are you telling me you see it? I have occasionally seen people that can sense it on a different level. Some can hear it, some touch, occasionally some even smell it, but to see it is a very rare gift. How do you sense it? Which one of the five is it? You said you see it, with your eyes?”

  “It really isn’t limited to one sense to be honest. When I was younger it was just visual, but the older I get the more I can sense it with sound, smell, touch, pretty much everything. It’s nothing but a curse for the most part so part of me is laughing at you calling it a gift.”

  Although his face remained stoic his Darkness was a cacophony of colors, an almost childlike excitement.

  Greens and golds flash around in ripples. A deep violet flashes through the middle of the black mercury and for an instant I can smell something akin to the forest after a rain shower.

  “What happened to you a few weeks ago? When you were in the hospital Erica said that one day your outlook had changed drastically. At first she was concerned that you were seeing someone else. I didn’t think that was the case but she persisted for some time on the subject.”

  I had a quick flash of panic.

  “Don’t worry yourself. She doesn’t think you are seeing someone else now, that was her fear speaking before she could think things through. She was reacting defensively when she made the comment and we worked through it. I had surmised that a near death experience had changed your outlook but now I am second-guessing that diagnosis. In fact, I am going to venture a guess that I probably couldn’t have been further from the truth.”

  “To be honest I haven’t even considered how close I had gotten to death. I knew it was touch and go but I didn’t think anything more of it than that.”

  “So what was it? What brought on such a marked change in you?”

  “I’m not sure how I can explain it to be honest.”

  “Try. Erica told me things were going better. That you two were getting along almost as well as when you first got together but that it didn’t take long before you started to look like you were sliding down again,” he paused for several moments as he looked at me then nodded his head like he had come to a decision.